Truth: up until today it had been a fairly long time since I had a really good cry. You know those therapeutic cries where you can’t catch your breath and everything you’ve been holding inside just comes right out? Yeah, I had one of those this morning. Don’t get me wrong, I cry a lot. I cry about work, I cry when Cleo and I argue, I cried the other day because the dishes weren’t done and I accidentally washed a towel with my scrubs and I couldn’t figure out what song I wanted to listen to. But today was different.
I was triggered by something that wouldn’t normally affect me in this way. I saw an Instagram post of a friend announcing their pregnancy. It was absolutely beautiful. The picture and the words were so sweet, and I truly was (am) so happy for this friend. But my post-13-hour-nightshift brain started missing all of these things that we might never have.
Okay sure, I hear you saying that same-sex couples have babies all the time these days, right? No big deal? But it kind of is, yeah? For us it will never be a surprise. It will be planned and saved up for, and that’s if it happens at all. I’m not complaining. I want to make that very clear. I guess I just wanted to be honest about some of the realities of being of an age where everyone around you is starting to think about starting a family, and for that to be such a realistic option for them, and you not being able to because of <insert reason here>.
Please understand that I realise that this doesn’t just apply to same-sex couples. I also don’t want this to seem like I am complaining or that I’m ungrateful for our wonderful life. Cleo and I are very happy and very lucky. We have a beautiful home, great careers, amazing families and friends and a wonderful dog who we love and is totally our baby. I guess I am just feeling a little fragile right now. So I will cry about it today and then tomorrow I’ll go back to thinking about the future with optimism and hope.
This is also not something that is in our immediate future as far as things we are planning for. I like sleeping far too much and we have a bloody wedding to save for. Plus last week I went 5 days without washing my hair so I definitely wouldn’t trust me to take care of a small human 24/7 right now (obviously a different story when I’m getting paid to do it and can leave them when I leave the hospital).
💕Love and dry shampoo,